If I Get Hauled to the Cemetery in This, I will Haunt My Family Forever

"CleverUsername" (CleverUsername) 04/21/2014 at 16:56 • Filed to: None

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Hearses, by design, are a [sometime] careful balance between form and function. They're all custom made, but have to look like someone in the living world put careful thought into every design cue. They also have to carry the weight of a 500-800lb casket without sagging, so they often have air suspension set-ups and heavily fortified frames. Hearses began as purpose-built horse-drawn carriages, adorned with polished ornamentation and scrollwork. Today, they are generally built upon strengthened luxury car chassis, with somber gloss black paint and distinguished styling. No matter the era, hearses have been constructed with one driving goal: Give the dead a dignified ride to the cemetery.

And then there's this thing.

I stumbled upon this 2011+ Dodge Caravan hearse at a funeral parlor in Crossville, TN. It seems that the conversion shop that sold this one did the bare minimum. It's not even black.

To be fair, the relatively high loading height could be a pallbearer's advantage. If your octogenarian great uncle insists on helping to hoist the casket, odds are slightly better that he won't collapse, since one doesn't have to bend over as far as one would with a lower loading wagon.

One wonders what other advantages this sort of vehicle might offer in the funeral business. Does it have the nearly standard equipment flip-down monitor? Could a family request a certain DVD be played over the casket during the last ride? You could posthumously catch up that television series that you never got around to finishing.

Of course, you're still being shuttled to the dirt nursery in a front-wheel-drive minivan. Anyone else see the irony in using a vehicle designed for the recently expanded family to move the results of a recently contracted family? Just me?

I've already warned my family: Take me to the grave in a minivan and I will haunt our descendants for a century.

PS9 > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 16:57

10

If someone carted me off to the grave in that, I'd raise a demon army in hell and comeback to consume the earth.

Aya, Almost Has A Cosmo With Toyota Engine Owned by a BMW. > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:01

5

You know, after i saw an XFR Hearse on the internet, i think if i died one day i want my XFR hearse to do a burnout with me in it. That's the best way to leave the world.

davedave1111 > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:11

10

There are two types of hearses. The ones used to transport coffins for funerals are big, grand, showy. The ones used to make collections from hospitals, old peoples' homes, and so-on are generally as discreet as possible, for obvious reasons.

From what I've seen, black panel vans are a popular choice. The minivan pictured is slightly less discreet than it might be, but still very much down that line. It looks like someone felt it should still show what it was, but not shout about it. I guess you only have to put a coffin in the wrong van once before you decide to make sure your hearse looks at least a bit like one...

TwinTurbosOfJustice > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:34

0

I hate for price to be the driving factor, but my first thought is this is probably a lot cheaper than a traditional Cadillac or other luxury based hearse....

turbodiesel > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:36

0

well at least one can decorate it with loads of flowers and ribbons... sky is the limit for creativity for hearse decoration.

ninjagin > Aya, Almost Has A Cosmo With Toyota Engine Owned by a BMW. 04/21/2014 at 17:37

1

Just make sure they point your feet towards the rear doors, or you're going to be spending an eternity with a very uncomfortable crick in your neck.

pupdog > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:38

1

It's possible that this is an alternative to the Undertaker's Limo, used to take pallbearers or family members along behind the hearse. Probably easier to get a half dozen cousins in various states of grief and/or sobriety into and out of.

_Mécanicien > TwinTurbosOfJustice 04/21/2014 at 17:39

0

Used hearses are dirt cheap though!

josephbloseph > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:39

1

I think it would be a bit better if there were a cougar or a dragon painted on the sides. And if it were a large delivery van.

Mailbox Cancer > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:40

4

Honestly, if my family decides to display and then bury my whole, embalmed remains, I will haunt them for a century. If only for the sake of saving me the embarrassment of holding up traffic in a macabre literal death box, I better come home in an urn.

SwimBikeRun > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:41

5

Would this be better? The pic is blurry because of traffic, but in case you can't tell, it is a Gen II Prius

Zoom > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:44

0

Ok.

I've seen lots of minivan hearses. If the point here is tacky conversion, then ok.

But in the day of 'not spending a quadrillion dollars on a DTS conversuion that shits the mid engine seal and $1800 rear knuckles about every 25k miles', classy family-oriented minivans are the logical choice.

CranialEctomy > SwimBikeRun 04/21/2014 at 17:50

0

For some reason, this reminded me of a fad I read about a couple years ago: environmentally friendly burials. Basically, you would be buried butt-naked (or in degradable clothes) in a cardboard box or other biodegradable casket, so the polar bears didn't die, or something to that effect. rather stupid idea, if you ask me.

Also, I am ashamed to admit, because of the blurriness of the picture, my first thought was a white Holden Maloo with a hearse add-on. The US road signs, out of place taillights, and image description quickly set me on the right track again, but my shame still rests heavy on my shoulders.

Kate's Dirty Sister > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:51

4

as someone that wants to be cremated, I would like to hauled by one of these, sans the amazon branding of course.

SharkD > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:51

0

White hearses are more and more common, these days.

At the beginning of this month, I had the unfortunate task of planning the final arrangements for my wife's cousin… a police officer killed in the line of duty… the funeral home had to borrow a hearse and three limos from two funeral homes in a neighboring county in order to have all-black lead to the procession, which included more than 500 law enforcement vehicles.

http://www.witn.com/home/headlines…

Little Falls Swim Club > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:51

1

Since this is supposed to be a car site... someone help me out here... Why does a hearse that is made from something like a Dodge Caravan, which seats 7-8 people, need "air suspension set-ups and heavily fortified frames" for a driver + one "500-800lb casket"?

steve62 > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:52

5

I want my remains carted around in a Party Bus for a full week. With strippers. And booze.

CranialEctomy > pupdog 04/21/2014 at 17:52

0

Sobriety? I daresay there's probably a story behind that. Whatever funerals you've been to, they sound much more exciting than those that I've attended.

Pulpiteer > davedave1111 04/21/2014 at 17:53

1

Yep, I owned an '84 Suburban hearse conversion (white with gray top), and it had served its professional life as a collection vehicle, not a delivery one.

Zachary B > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 17:53

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All of our local funeral homes have Caravans like this. They don't use them for the casket, they use them for the flowers typically. Not sure if they are actually long enough for a regular casket.

Little Falls Swim Club > Little Falls Swim Club 04/21/2014 at 17:55

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(don't ask about the screen name.. that would be a user-error from a Google hater who forgot to log out of another session)

pupdog > CranialEctomy 04/21/2014 at 17:56

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Simple enough, some people drink to deal with grief. I saw the pallbearers passing a flask at one funeral just before everyone went in for the service, I guess they needed a little courage.

CranialEctomy > Little Falls Swim Club 04/21/2014 at 17:57

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It's referencing hearses in general; as you know, older hearses are traditionally based on luxury cars which wouldn't have the necessary beefiness to carry that weight around. While this probably wouldn't need air suspension or frame alterations, a bunch of interior modifications would be needed to secure the casket during travel. They may also have beefed up the rear suspension just to make it look like it was riding normally, but it wouldn't be necessary.

DeliciousTurboSoup > SwimBikeRun 04/21/2014 at 17:59

4

Here's a couple better pictures. I took these on the 5 freeway North in CA, just between La Paz Rd and Alicia Parkway

cesariojpn > Little Falls Swim Club 04/21/2014 at 18:00

1

You just answered your own question.

cesariojpn > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:02

2

I want to be hauled in this: a Toyota Crown Hearse.

Erzhik Tem > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:03

15

I want this

Since_Day_One > davedave1111 04/21/2014 at 18:04

0

This is probably a transport vehicle as noted in the post. Still, locally anyway, transport vehicles tend to be nicer than this. My cemetery uses dark green Cadillac hearses to transport the dead and black ones to deliver the coffin to churches or final burial. Make sure your last will and testament stays sealed until after you are 6 feet under, lest your family implore upon the funeral home to have you hauled to your final resting place in this vehicle rather than a stately black Caddy!

Foo2rama > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:06

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Would you want a black hearse in TN?

NeedsmoreaftermarketXTparts > davedave1111 04/21/2014 at 18:08

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you hit the nail on the head. I worked in the funeral industry for 10 years here in PA. Most vehicles going out to places like hospitals and homes are suburbans, yukons, mini vans, etc. almost nobody actually takes a hearse to any of these places because they are trying to do things very discretely. I've seen a couple local places that use vans exactly like what is pictured here. It states what it is without screaming it out. In most cases a vehicle like this can serve another purpose such as transporting extra flowers, or other supplies to a church from the funeral home and still look official.

davedave1111 > Since_Day_One 04/21/2014 at 18:08

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"My cemetery"

Those are strangely intriguing words. They could mean so many different things.

namesakeone > Pulpiteer 04/21/2014 at 18:09

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Davedave has it right. The latter—the ones called to pick up the deceased from the place of death—are called "first call" cars, and I would imagine that this minivan is one of these.

It could be worse. My father was cremated, and my family drove his cremains to the military cemetery for his ceremony and burial. His last ride was in a car he drove once, my Mazda 6.

gc8foreva > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:10

1

I want my hearse to be a brown manual diesel wagon. Make it happen Oppo.

Bentoboxx > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:12

1

My friend's parents own a funeral parlor. The family wagon was also the collection vehicle. They would drop the rear seat, slide the curtains over the window and pick up the deceased. Then up with the seat, side the curtains back and its off to pick up the kids from school and take em to soccer practice.

istillhavefaithinhonda > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:17

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hell I don't care wht ya put me in. Throw me in the back of a black pt cruiser for all I care I'm dead. I guess though if you care about that stuff this is pretty shitty hahaha

CleverUsername > Mailbox Cancer 04/21/2014 at 18:18

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From that perspective, maybe an all-original Pinto or original-tire early Explorer might be better suited.

Cé hé sin > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:19

9

What's with the curved chrome thing behind the door? I take it the American way is to keep the deceased tucked away discreetly. Some traditions prefer to give the deceased a more public send off. In funereal black, of course, and preferably in a Merc.

lonestranger > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:21

5

Minivans (particularly Caravans/Voyagers/T&Cs) used as funeral cars are not exactly rare nor are they a recent development.

They are less expensive and more flexible than a traditional Cadillac hearse, and thus are quite popular with the more economically-minded funeral services. The same vehicle can be easily adapted for use as a hearse, removal car, flower car, or personal transportation car.

And as far as it not being black, white and silver have been popular alternatives to black for decades. Both JFK & Elvis were transported in white hearses.

sellphones2493 > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:21

2

Take me out in this guy:

CleverUsername > DeliciousTurboSoup 04/21/2014 at 18:23

7

Speaking of Earth-friendly burials, you could go with Urnabios . It's a biodegradable urn with tree seeds in it. What's left of your DNA will grow into a tree. Kind of cool, if you ask me.

CleverUsername > lonestranger 04/21/2014 at 18:26

10

I can't decide which one of those is most depressing.

Roberto G. > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:27

1

" It's not even black. " ...beause it's for the kids, you dumbo!

Sper > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:28

0

How about a Transit Skyliner? Would that tickle your fancy?

CleverUsername > sellphones2493 04/21/2014 at 18:33

7

Here we go:

fintail > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:35

5

An MB 600 would work for me

Or a nice fintail, of course

Ugh so this is my life > davedave1111 04/21/2014 at 18:35

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I know when they came to pick up my dad, the ride from his house to the crematorium was in a dodge caravan set up even more low profile than this one!

Dusty Ventures > Cé hé sin 04/21/2014 at 18:37

4

Two major reasons why (America) we don't have large glass greenhouses in our hearses. 1) most funeral homes only have one hearse-type vehicle, which we must use for both removals and funerals. Which means if we had glass sides half the time we'd be displaying this in the back:

As you can imagine, that wouldn't go over well.

2) Budget caskets. It's one thing to show off a magnificent mahogany casket, it's something else entirely when you're transporting one of the grey (but really more of a blue) cloth covered pieces

Vie Ventar > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:38

8

It could be worse...

Highball! > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:41

4

Saab? Check

Turbo? Check

Wagon? Sports Combi- check

I think I'm all set.

Dusty Ventures > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 18:44

5

I suppose, as someone who grew up in a funeral home and now works in it (hey look! I'm sitting in it right now!) I might as well chime in. As a fair number have stated this vehicle wouldn't be used for the funeral but instead is meant for removals and transfers. It's easier to maneuver, more discrete, better on fuel, and reduces wear and damage risk on the funeral hearse. As for the color, while most imagine hearses as black, silver and white have been popular alternative colors since the early days of the automotive hearse. We personally have been using silver hearses since at least the 80s. Some clients have said they actually prefer it to black, saying it isn't as dark/morbid.

Cé hé sin > Dusty Ventures 04/21/2014 at 18:53

1

I don't think anyone here (especially if they can't afford it, oddly enough) would get buried in anything other than a traditional coffin and in a traditional glazed hearse.

Never really thought about the collection side of the undertaking trade but they certainly use more utilitarian transport if the late customer is going a long distance.

Dusty Ventures > Cé hé sin 04/21/2014 at 18:55

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Yeah, a combination of vehicle cost and industry regulations means majority of funeral homes only have the one car that must do all duties.

7:07 > Erzhik Tem 04/21/2014 at 19:01

2

DeMuro'd

Cé hé sin > Vie Ventar 04/21/2014 at 19:02

1

Oooh, a Scorpio.

A somewhat downmarket way to make your final journey but quite a popular one once.

Charley V > Mailbox Cancer 04/21/2014 at 19:04

4

Exactly. Save your money. Use it on a down payment on the cool set of wheels. Think of me when you go for a drive. Hell, let me blow out the window. Just make sure it's a rear window so I don't get eaten by a backseat passenger. Boom, there's my funeral plans.

mmntech > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:12

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When I worked for a major rental company back in college, we had this cemetery as a client of ours. They used to come in and rent a panel van every now and then. We figured they were using it to move equipment. Nope. One day they forgot to take the coffin rollers out of the back. They were using them to pick bodies up from the funeral home and deliver them to the crematorium. Nothing says a dignified trip to your final destination than a white cargo van with "Rent Me for just $19.99" plastered on the side. Then there was the awkward phone call to get them to come pick up the rollers. Of course it wasn't against company policy and they were paying quite a bit, so we just turned a blind eye to it.

Polish Don > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:15

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I wouldn't mind it. Just as long as it isn't a Ford ...... By the way, I've seen a Ford Flex as a Hearse as well

James May is my spirit animal > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:16

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I was about to say "Kill me, please." but I would already be dead if I was anywhere near this thing.

James May is my spirit animal > Cé hé sin 04/21/2014 at 19:18

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Reminds me of the popemobile, a bit. :)

James May is my spirit animal > Vie Ventar 04/21/2014 at 19:20

2

I would drive that every day of my life and be happy!

That is a ghett0 bike camping wagon if I've ever seen one! Just think of the mattress you could fit back there!!! ;)

Jaaag Hartley > Dusty Ventures 04/21/2014 at 19:20

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In Britain a hearse is never used for removals, we always use Private Ambulances like this

Dusty Ventures > Jaaag Hartley 04/21/2014 at 19:22

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Here removals can only be done by a licensed funeral director. Ergo the funeral homes do it themselves.

Mini_Fanatic > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:26

1

It could be much much worse...

...Like having-your-dead-body-mounted-on-your-motorcycle-and-being-pulled-through-town-on-a-trailer worse.

AlleVier > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:27

3

Cremate me just enough to fit into this.

James May is my spirit animal > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:32

1

Can we paint this another color? (740? 940?)

This is just straight up pimp, and I would have it as a DD.... if it was made five years earlier as a 960:

Sith Lord Sexy Pants > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:44

0

Unless you die and get reincarnated as a plant, I don't think you have anything to worry about. In all likelihood, that van is a FLOWER CAR. As the name implies, used to haul flowers from the church or parlor to the gravesite.

J. Drew Silvers > CranialEctomy 04/21/2014 at 19:48

0

I live on the outskirts of a wealthy Atlanta suburb and somewhere in the neighboring city they turned a former cow pasture into one of those places a few years ago. It was in the newspaper and sounded trendy enough to not just be isolated to this area. At least I know it's not just an Atlanta thing...

JohnDoeIII > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 19:49

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When one of my best friend's dad passed away, the funeral home they used had a hearse identical to the Caravan above. Well we were on our way down for the service and the Hearse comes flying around us and gets pulled over. As soon as they flew around us, we knew they were running later than we were. The cop let them go at least.

Mailbox Cancer > Charley V 04/21/2014 at 19:50

2

There's a spot in the northern NM mountains where I'd prefer my ashes to be spread. And preferably in not the same way Donnie was spread in TBL.

gabest > Little Falls Swim Club 04/21/2014 at 20:03

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500-800 lb casket, plus the body. Caskets are not light by any means.

nappingatdesk > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 20:03

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Cemeteries are going to be AWESOME in a few years if that idea takes off.

Cebu > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 20:05

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Oh, yeah.

ljksetrightmemorialtrophydash > Cé hé sin 04/21/2014 at 20:07

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What's with the curved chrome thing behind the door?

It's a vestigial faux Landau hinge.

CrymeLord > Charley V 04/21/2014 at 20:09

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I like this a lot. If I can't have my body frozen and shot into deep space then this will be the preferred method (especially the label)

gawknburn2 > lonestranger 04/21/2014 at 20:14

2

Why is that first photo in black and white? Wasn't the minivan invented after color photography?

Mcryder > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 20:22

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if i have to go ( and we all will sometime) i'd like to go out in style like Beco .

Since_Day_One > davedave1111 04/21/2014 at 20:23

1

I don't own a cemetery. But I do own a plot at one nearby. Thus "my cemetery"... of which I do not plan to be a permanent resident in the near future! The dark green "work vehicles" are pretty classy IMHO.

93Miata > lonestranger 04/21/2014 at 20:33

0

A long shot but they made a turbo 5 speed minivan at one point. I would deem that as acceptable transport.

Mr. SillyPants > Dusty Ventures 04/21/2014 at 20:35

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the van is just used for removals. the funeral home ive been too one too many times has a caravan like this in black. curiosity stuck me so i asked the director what is the van used for and he said mainly just removals and if they ever have to move the body somewhere else.

BrassEra > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 20:37

1

rather a minivan than a Prius.......................aarrrrrrgghhhhh! shoot me now.

lonestranger > gawknburn2 04/21/2014 at 20:40

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Even in the '8os, colour images were relatively expensive in print media. Newspapers were either fully black & white, or colour was reserved for the cover. Magazines used colour for feature articles, and secondary ones were in B&W.

Grant Leavitt > Aya, Almost Has A Cosmo With Toyota Engine Owned by a BMW. 04/21/2014 at 20:44

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I want my hearse to be a Ford Transit SuperSportVan... with the Stig behind the wheel. I want Jezza, Captain Slow, and Hamster to do eulogies.

cesariojpn > Sith Lord Sexy Pants 04/21/2014 at 20:52

1

This is a Flower Car mate:

AJ Feldman (alecmets2011) > Mcryder 04/21/2014 at 20:56

0

20 years next thursday

Mcryder > AJ Feldman (alecmets2011) 04/21/2014 at 21:05

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Hence my post, i was wondering if anyone would catch that it is the 20 year anniversary of the death of a spectacular individual . a very dark day in motor-sports. good on you to get it. cheers....

NipperDawg > mmntech 04/21/2014 at 21:18

0

Could have been worse, they could have left a "guest" in the back.

Which reminds me of a funny story. I dont know whether the "Place of Honor" was occupied or not, but once on the Grand Central Parkway, mid day, there was a traffic jam caused by hearse chaining a flat tire. Not all of our funeral providers here are what you call top notch. There was a tire being changed, a few well dressed people helping out, and the place of honor was outside the hearse. It was funny.

B.Peasant > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 21:23

0

Around here there used to be a Volvo 240 hearse. Now that's a car I wouldn't wanna be seen dead in. Or alive, for that matter.

My only current condition is that if I should at some point croak, under no circumstances is "Imagine" to be played or performed during the proceedings. If that should happen I'm gonna batter my way out of the coffin and assault the singer.

highpsi > Cé hé sin 04/21/2014 at 21:31

0

Here you go: http://jalopnik.com/landau-bars-on…

AthomSfere > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 21:41

2

Good news, we found a hearse that isn't a white mini-van!

Boshwag > Vie Ventar 04/21/2014 at 21:56

1

Positively gauping.

hayesmp > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 22:00

1

I don't think this is really a hearse. It's too short.

For anyone in Texas, we went to The National Museum of Funeral History this weekend. Lots of vintage hearses, neat caskets and lots of photos.

Blondude > Dusty Ventures 04/21/2014 at 22:08

0

I was expecting you to chime in.

bradledy > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 22:09

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I'm not sure how much you know about the van in this picture, but it's common for them to put the covers over the back window to make it look funeral-esque but it can be used for other things like a flower van, or a van for picking up a deceased person from the place of death. It's formal, pretty much clearly marks it as a funeral vehicle, but it's more utilitarian than a true hearse. Or, maybe this is actually being used as a hearse and people the funeral home using it should be killed and driven around in it for eternity (I won't volunteer as the driver- I have good sense of smell).

My family owns funeral homes.

bradledy > Dusty Ventures 04/21/2014 at 22:13

2

You'd be proud. I'm in a funeral-home family as well; my dad has a 2008 Viper and he offered to lead the precession for a family where the deceased was a major car dude. They loved it haha.

bradledy > Kate's Dirty Sister 04/21/2014 at 22:15

0

lol hilarious. I would also want it to be loaded with explosives and have it fly into the air to a safe height and EXPLODE

bradledy > AlleVier 04/21/2014 at 22:17

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europa?

kgcphoto.com > Mcryder 04/21/2014 at 22:21

0

best one yet.

Tom > gawknburn2 04/21/2014 at 22:26

1

It is in color. That minivan is just so depressing that it sucked the color out of everything around it.

CleverUsername > hayesmp 04/21/2014 at 22:27

0

I recall seeing the rollers in the back, but I could be mistaken.

hayesmp > CleverUsername 04/21/2014 at 22:29

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Maybe for child caskets..?